I’m Part of the Problem…

It’s been an emotional few days.

It all started with that awkward situation at work that inspired my poem post on Tuesday. My boss at work had noticed my hands sweating and I had just dismissed it, like usual.

Then the anger set in.

I get so angry at myself for living in secret, hiding, and for feeling hopeless.

I told my boyfriend what had happened and he said, “You should tell her.”

NO. I refuse. (my exact and immediate response.)

Fine, living in secret one more day. I’m only hurting myself- anger to the point of hyperventilation, a spinning head, shaking hands and twitching head full of bad memories. I can deal…

I was so angry that day that I had written a full draft of a ranting post, blaming society for creating a taboo about sweat that has kept people like me hidden.

So, that night, two things happened.

1. I ranted to my boyfriend about everything. He always supports me and helps me deal with my condition. He understands me and my condition completely. Yet, he brought up a good point: That my blog is for creating awareness and that I should be living my life accordingly. My blog and my actions in my daily life should compliment each other.

But right now, I’m still living in secret. I still haven’t told many of my friends! Even my blog is partly anonymous!

All of a sudden, the reality crashes down in front of me.

I’M PART OF THE PROBLEM!

You have no idea how sad this made me. I felt like I let everyone down. I felt like I was especially letting everyone with HH down by not following through with my mission.

But…I’m too scared.

2. I came across a YouTube video of a girl about my age who has HH. I immediately recognized that we were identical. We had the same problems, experiences, tried the same remedies with no success.

We were different in one way.

She was optimistic about HH and usually told people freely and laughed about it with coworkers.

Wow. This girl is so inspirational!

But then, it hit me again…I’m not doing anything to help HH. I felt even more sad for hiding. I’m not acting on my mission.

So….

The very next morning, I walked into work. Heart pounding, scared, sweating profusely.

This is it. No better time than now. At least I have a visual example. (This I have to laugh at after the fact. You should have seen me! I was a mess. Even my head was sweating- a place where HH rarely gets me.)

Anyway-

I did it! It was terrifying, but I did it! And it was successful.

I did it for myself, but more than that, I did it for everyone out there suffering everyday with HH.

One step at a time, we will create awareness. It’s scary, but knowing that I was helping the HH community gave me plenty of courage.

After all of this, I felt an emotion I wasn’t familiar with. I’m usually so angry about HH. Now, I realize that being angry is the easier emotion.

I’m not saying that I’m cured of my anger. I don’t think you can ever get rid of that. But, I see HH a little differently now.

Honestly, I didn’t feel as satisfied as I thought when I told my secret. Maybe it’s because I know that this isn’t the end. In my lifetime, I will tell hundreds and maybe thousands of people.

Talking about HH is really exhausting.

1. You usually tell one person or a small group at one time.

2. You’re usually terrified and sweating like crazy.

3. If you’re like me and HH has turned you into a somewhat shy person, you don’t really like talking about yourself.

4. You need to use your words carefully so that at first impression:

  • People don’t think you’re gross
  • People understand that it’s more than Just a Little Sweat
  • People understand the social, emotional, physical, and psychological implications

5. You are afraid that the person will look at you and/or treat you differently.

My hope for everyone suffering with HH is to be brave. I challenge you to tell at least one person you have it.

See how it feels to tell someone.

If we all work together, we will succeed in creating awareness.

As always, thanks for reading! Please feel free to leave comments!

Caryn Joan

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